carrying on suj's spirit

suj and i shared a number of passions and organizational affiliations, and i saw much of myself reflected in him, making tragic loss particularly personal for me.

through the Uganda Village Project, we both threw ourselves into rural development in eastern Uganda, albeit working in the field at different times.

through Universities Allied through Essential Medicines, we both fought for global medicines access. in fact, i first met him at a recruiting table for UAEM Michigan and now, following in his footsteps and through his encouragement, have joined national and chapter leadership teams.

at the Center for the Global Health at UMich, we worked on student-oriented projects and co-authored a poster for the 2009 symposium. this year, i am on my own at the symposium.

finally, as a fellow student at the University of Michigan Medical School, he never hesitated to give me "insider's" advice or connect me with relevant faculty, or offer to edit proposals, application essays, anything really, no matter how insanely busy he was.

while our acquaintanceship grew out of shared "work" (global health) interests, our frank, open connection led us to really "click," and i saw him as a friend, a peer mentor, a pillar supporting all of our shared work. it wasn't until the end of the school year, as he prepared for his move to Uganda, that we began to hang out simply to hang out. and i truly looked forward to his return, where we could catch up on a year's worth of travel and global health activism stories.

i cannot imagine the pain endured by his family and best friends, as i myself struggle in the grief of losing a pillar. in reflecting on the tremendous impact he has had on the lives on others - both in global health efforts and through mentoring peers/encouraging student activism, i realize how my own efforts could and should be expanded.

i cannot live up to all that suj had the potential to accomplish, but i do hope to channel my utter grief into conviction to fight harder against global injustices, to make my networks available to others as much as possible, to dream big about changing the world and commit to doing it. throwing myself into the unfinished work suj has left will perhaps ease the pain.

let us all draw strength from suj's impact on our lives and carry his spirit forward.

"hope for the best but prepare for the worst"

when a tragic situation forces you to "hope for the best but prepare for the worst," is that really possible?

in medicine, we spend a lot of time discussing the need for earlier end-of-life planning in response to the current state of irresponsible end-stage care. exorbitant amounts of money are spent in the final days on aggressive therapies that often fail to prolong life in any meaningful manner and instead increasing suffering. by mapping out decisions earlier, the final march could be far more peaceful and less torturous.

but when that life in question belongs to someone you care about, and it takes nothing less than a miracle for "the best" to be realized, acknowledging "the worst" as a possibility almost feels like conceding or hopelessly accepting it. with emotions on full blast and all rationality aside, it seems near impossible to simultaneously grasp onto fleeting hope for a miracle and also lay a mental foundation in preparation for death.

without condoning overly-aggressive end-of-life care, how do we find the "right" balance in maintaining hope and yet being realistic?

on the incremental levels of grief

on one level, death of anyone, for any reason, anywhere in the world is tragic, especially if unexpected or premature.

on the next level, when that person has the vision and capabilities to truly change the world, as suj did, it is even more tragic.

and when that person is your friend, someone you know personally, had insightful conversations with and shared quality time with, the grief escalates, regardless of his or her potential contribution to society.

and when you see much of yourself reflected in that person through shared passions, career ambitions, global footprint - and had been in the exact same situation in the same location (many times) that he or she was when the fatal incident struck, the grief reaches a new height.

sujal parikh was one of the most inspirational people that i know, and his tragic accident undoubtedly affects many across the globe. thank you, suj, for your impact on my life. my heart is with you.